Mission: Recapture Thy Youth

Current Track: "Who'd Have Known" ~Lily Allen

I am currently on a mission to recapture my youth. And not in the creepy "I don't want to grow up" or "I don't want to be responsible for anything" sort of way, but in the "Man, I was so much happier when I was younger" kind of way. There must be a way to be a grown up and still feel like a kid, and I'm going to find it.

I believe that as we get older, we lose touch, more and more, with what it was that used to make us genuinely smile and enjoy our lives. We get so distracted with things we "have to do" or things we "should be doing," that we completely neglect what it is we want and love to do.

So, I've decided that I want to go back. I want to go back to the way I used to feel about life, about myself, back in the day. And in order to do so, I have to figure out what used to be in my life that no longer is, the things I truly miss and the reasons I miss them, and the things that drive me crazy now that never used to.

Money: As my life stands right now, money is ALWAYS at the top of my list of things to worry about. How much to I have? How much can I spend? How can I get more? What will I have to sacrifice if I can't get more? And so on---you all know the drill. But in high school and college (and before then, of course), money was never something I worried about. Ever.

And, let's face it, I had absolutely no money in high school. I worked part-time jobs after school just to save up enough to put some money down on a very inexpensive lease. Then I continued to work as many hours as possible after school to afford the monthly car payments, the gas for the car, and, of course, to buy random crap I didn't need---you know, things like cigarettes and makeup and lunch and movie tickets, etc. Those were my big expenses. And while I never had any really substantial amount of money to deal with, I never worried about it. I never got upset when I had very little cash, I never freaked out when I thought I'd spent too much. You would never find me at age 16 huddled over my check book---did I even have a checkbook then?---crying over the minuscule balance. Somehow, I always had just enough to cover whatever it was I was planning to do that day, and I was content with the knowledge that it was just money and I would always be able to make more.

Somewhere along the line, I lost that. The truth is, it is just money. You really can always make more. It may not be easy or fun, but you can always make more and it shouldn't be the sole source of your stress or the only way to bring you happiness.

I'm reclaiming that right now.

Doing absolutely nothing and having a blast: I think I miss this more than anything else from my past. When I was in high school, the best times I remember having were always when we were doing nothing. Since we were 17, we had cars but nowhere to go. Too old to stay home but too young to party (in public), myself and some friends would pile into one car and drive aimlessly around the (201) blasting loud music, smoking cigarettes, laughing, talking, and loving every minute of it. And we would do it any night of the week. We didn't plan it or talk it out. It just happened. Sometimes we would complain to each other that "we never do anything," but the truth is, we loved it. And we loved each other. And we were all best friends. Just being together and hanging out was enough.

And then we grew up, and it didn't seem to be enough anymore.

Nowadays, when I meet up with friends, we have to make a date. WELL ahead of time. We're older, we have full time jobs, rent to pay, things to take care of, and life gets in the way of being spontaneous---which is fine. But sometimes these "dates" end up feeling more like obligations than a true expression of friendship. We have to "catch up" on what we've missed in the 3 months since we've seen each other last. Back in the day, there was no need to catch up. Everyone already knew. I miss the feeling of just being with people and having that be enough. I miss the feeling of sitting on a park bench in the middle of the night on a Saturday and talking to people for hours while blasting the car stereo and singing along to whatever came up on the radio. And I miss knowing people on a daily basis.

This, too, I must reclaim. When nothing is enough, you seem to have everything.

Writing: When I was in high school, all I ever wanted to do was write. I had piles and piles of journals and notebooks and boxes filled with scraps of paper, napkins, and diner place mats. And I took everything I wrote very seriously. Every quote, every song lyric, every poem, every diary entry meant something. They were profound and moving and unique. They were my childhood years, in millions of tiny words on hundreds of pieces of paper, and they were going to be important one day. They were all going to get me to the place I wanted to be---Rolling Stone. I was convinced.

It was also therapeutic. I wrote down every heartbreak, every accomplishment, every struggle, every joy, and every sadness. It was an outlet, a way to let go of it all. None of it was inside of me after it was spread of on the pages of an "Emily The Strange" journal or on the inside cover of my AP Psych notebook. It was out and it was gone and I was happier for it.

Now, the only time I write is when my boss calls out for the day, giving me some time to blog, which is rare. Otherwise, I'm far too busy with my multiple jobs or paying my bills or going on friend dates to find any time to write. And I miss it.

Consider it reclaimed, as of today. (I MUST find another Emily The Strange journal.)

These are just some of the things that I believe I've lost along the way, and that I also believe are completely possible to reclaim and get back. And I plan on it. It's a first step to getting back to a simpler form of happiness, maybe even a purer form.

Of course, there are definitely some things I do not miss:

Sleeping late: I didn't find out until AFTER college that things happen before 1pm on a Saturday, and I'm glad I did! I get so much more accomplished when I wake up during the first half of the day.

Drinking cheap alcohol: Although this was our only option pre-21st birthdays, I'm glad it's over, for many-o-reason.

Living at home: I lived at home, through college, until I was 24. Now that I'm no longer living under my parents' roof, my relationships with them have become that much more important, and also much more dear to me. I genuinely enjoy going home to do my laundry because I love spending time with my family. I find myself missing them, something that never happened before I moved out, because I was never away from them (and they were never away from me) long enough to warrant missing.

Crappy retail jobs: When you're 15 or 16, almost no one will hire you. And, if they do, they are going to pay you next to nothing. I worked a string of crappy retail jobs that never paid more than five or six bucks an hours. They were, by no means, fun. I did, however, meet awesome people along the way, and while I do miss just "working for spending money" (versus working for actual money to survive) and the people I worked with, I do NOT miss the jobs themselves.

I'm so glad that I didn't know then what I know now...I would have skipped so many awesome steps.

Current track: "Sleep All Day" ~Jason Mraz