Cancer Sucks

Current song: "Whataya Want From Me" ~Adam Lambert (This man is incredible.)

Cancer DOES suck. I think it's pretty unanimous. I don't think I know anyone who's a fan.

But I'd still like to vent about it anyway.

A couple of weeks ago, my grandmother was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. (That would be the lining of the uterus, for those who are unfamiliar.) And I am a bit of a mess.

Despite the high risk of cancer in our society, especially in the northeast (thank you, modern industry), my family has never had a history of cancer--that we know of. My grandfather is the sole Holocaust survivor in his family and doesn't know much about his family medical history. Other than that, my family (both sides) have always been cancer-free. (And, ironically, ALL smokers. Go figure that one out. Note: I am not saying that smoking is OK, I'm just sayin'...it's weird.)

That is, until a couple years ago. My grandfather on my father's side was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was contained and removed in one shot. Things went smoothly and he is fully healthy today and kickin' at 88 years old. My grandmother on my mother's side, at 72, is not so lucky.

Since the cancer is inside of her uterus, the doctors recommended an immediate hysterectomy. We all agreed that this was the most logical decision and went ahead with it. The surgery happened yesterday morning and the procedure went well. However, after they removed the uterus, they found that the cancer had spread to her stomach, bowels, and fat. They removed what they could, but it was impossible to get it all. Now she will have to go through at least six months of chemotherapy to try and get rid of the rest. The doctor said "she has a good chance." Thanks, Doc.

My grandmother is no spring chicken; however, to be 72 and the grandmother of eight grandchildren, the oldest being in her mid-twenties, she's pretty young. She's also the sole caretaker of her husband, my grandfather, who is almost 11 years her senior and in poor physical health.

She is the matriarch. She is everything. And now she's giving up on herself.

I feel useless.

"I should have become an oncologist."
"I should have convinced her to quit smoking."
"I should have visited her every single day."
"I should have told her I loved her every other minute."
"I should have taken her to the casino like she wanted."
"I should have been better."
"I should have...but I didn't."

This isn't about me. This isn't about anyone else in my family who will be dealing with this and scrambling to take care of both of my grandparents. This isn't about G-d or faith or hope. This isn't about selfishness or selflessness. This isn't about money or schedules or time.

This is about my grandmother and her sense of self-worth. This is about her.

I am committed to figuring out a way to help her believe in herself, to help her realize what she means to all of us. Without her, my family will be half of what it once was because she is such a powerful force within it.

I am also committed to being a support for a family that tends to panic when someone has a cold, much less cancer. I am committed to being a support and a major player in the months to come. I am committed to doing anything I have to in order to take care--I just don't know how I'll look at the end of it all.

I am lucky enough to have a wonderful man in my life who is, above everything, supportive of me and everything I do. A man who loves me through and despite everything. And I am so much more than grateful. And although he's an incredibly strong person, I'm worried that I might pull him down with me if I start to fall.

Falling down is not an option right now. This is not about me and I need to remind myself of that every now and again.

To everyone out there living with cancer and/or a family member with cancer: just remember that love saves lives.

Current song: "Music Again" ~Adam Lambert (Uplifting? Check.)